Well, I can honestly say that nothing like this has ever happened to anyone
else before. It’s an unusual feeling to know you’ve been separated from what
you used to be and all the things that person used to know. A big hole has been
torn into the weavings of my life, and I can see no way to patch it up.
Everything—family, friends, all that I owned and even my own memories—have been
left behind. The change that has occurred in one other mouse, several rats and
me has completely changed how we view ourselves and the world. It seems so much
more harsh and cruel, rather than just "the way it is." We have no
one to endeavor for except ourselves, no one to care for but our own, no needs
to see to except those that we give to ourselves. The one thing that we are
missing the most—and that we never really even considered before—is a cause.
When we were normal, all we worried about was how to survive, but now there is
so much more to think about and so much more to fill besides out bellies. Our
minds require knowledge and thought, and one of the most reoccurring thoughts
is what are we going to do now?

We certainly can’t just return to the way we used to be,
that just seems to be an unthinkable option for us all. Why this is, none of us
knows. Just the thought of that wretched question makes me sick to my stomach,
and I suppose that is why I am writing this. Thoughts are much more dangerous
than they used to be. It’s enough to drive one mad.

The rats, Mr. Ages and I have been making excellent progress
across the landscape. Travel has not been difficult; most of the humans that we
encounter ignore us completely, but nightmares of NIMH keep us on our toes and
watchful of anyone who would give us a second glance.

We have a strategy for when we come to roads and other places of
human inhabitation (or infestation, as Mr. Ages would have it). When we have to
move out in the open, a runner, most often Jenner or Justin, goes ahead of
everyone else. Once we see them reach the other side safely and they give us a
signal, we go across in small groups of five or six.

When will we stop running? I’m not sure, but soon, I hope. We’ve
traveled a long way together and have been unable to find a place that is safe
for us. Maybe we shall never find it. Nicodemus, always the optimistic one,
says that if we keep going we will find shelter soon. He says he has a feeling
about it, but the only feelings I have are of restlessness and loneliness. I
don’t know whether the feeling is from my change or if it is from simple lack
of companionship. The others are good friends, in fact they seem to look up to
me for helping them in their escape from NIMH, but I need something else. Maybe
I will find what I’m looking for when I reach this place that Nicodemus dreams
of.

Today I saw her. We met near the edge of the field, and
everything was perfect. The light wind blew through her fur and her eyes looked
into the depths of me; probing my very soul, almost to the point where I was
afraid that she would find out my greatest secret, and then what would she
think of me? The thought, at this time, is unbearable.

Descriptions of physical beauty do not do her nearly enough
credit, for besides the fact that she is the most gracious creature ever to
walk this world, her spirit is pure and free. I have never met anyone who could
live the way that she does. She does not lack responsibility, but she carries
it with almost no effort, as if it weren’t really a burden at all. I can
honestly say without a doubt, I am in love with her.

But again there is conflict. How can I tell her my secret? No
doubt she would shun me as a freak and never return my love. But every time I
look into her eyes I want to tell her everything. I have been watching from a
distance since I first caught sight of her by a small pool on the edge of this
dead field that the rats, Mr. Ages, and I now temporarily reside in. Just
yesterday, I did gather enough courage to go up and talk to her. I walked
slowly over to the edge of the pool where she was getting a drink, and began to
drink casually myself. She looked up once and smiled, I returned it along with
a hello. Not much was said, but before we were about to go our separate ways, I
asked innocently enough, "Do you live around here?"

The conversation that followed was the best hour of my life. I
found out everything I possibly could about her. We grew closer to each other,
both personally and physically. I avoided any mention of the past few months of
my life, but I did tell her of my family before NIMH.

When we finally did part, I had such a feeling of joy inside my
heart that I felt my chest would explode with ecstasy. She is so perfect! I had
never thought that I could find someone who is so diverse and had such common
interests with me. I felt that if she said anything I would just agree with it
because it came from her mouth, but I did not feel afraid to give my own
opinions because her open mind and heart would take anything valid into
consideration.

I will continue to meet her whenever I possibly can. The drawing
that I made while watching her from a distance does no glory to her beauty, and
has become invalid. Why look upon a replication when you can speak to the real
thing? I can’t even think about my secret now that everything in my life is
falling together. My heart is no longer empty; I have found the water to quench
my thirst of loneliness.

And her name is Sarah.

Over the next few days we met at every possible convenience.
Because I did not want to get caught with the rats of NIMH, I often kept a
distance from the group, and so eventually I knew less and less of what was
going on with them. I became much more in touch with Sarah as well as myself,
and we became all the closer.

I learned of her family; they had quite an interesting story.
They had been nomads, never staying in one place for very long. She had six
siblings, and her family lived on the move. She recalls never having anything
to call her own, save her family, and a little flower petal she wore around her
neck by a long string that she had found. Her parents had thought it was silly,
but they let her keep it. Her two brothers and four sisters had thought it was
grand, and they too began trying to make necklaces from the random flotsam they
found. Hers maintained a particular significance that went unspoken, however,
so none were as special as her petal.

Soon, she had grown up and decided that it was time for her to
live on her own. She had decided to stay in one or two places instead of
constantly moving, so she knew that she would never see any of her family
again. It saddened her, but her older brother Seth had encouraged her, telling
her that she was a special individual and could live as she pleased. She
recalls him as being the kindest of all her kin, and from the descriptions she
gave me, Seth seems to bear quite a similarity to Justin, a young member of the
NIMH rat escapees. I personally have a great respect for Seth; he has made her
feel how I can only hope to make her feel about herself. It does provoke a bit
of jealousy that someone can make her feel better about herself than I can, but
I suppose there is a general understanding between kin that can never exist between
Sarah and I. We can only become close in our own special way, and it is no
place of mine to covet when I already have so much.

Sarah says that as a last act, she gave Seth the petal necklace.
She said that he wore it proudly, it being a representative of the kindness
that he had given her during her life and how he had helped her become what she
was now as she stood telling me all of this. So this is how I found her, alone
and without a friend in the world. But now that neither of us was alone any longer,
we explored the world around us.

I helped to give her a sense of adventure because although she
was not timid, she had never thought to go far beyond her cinderblock home for
anything save the simple needs of her modest lifestyle. Together, however, we
roamed Fitzgibbon’s farm, and exploring the entire field we met many of its
inhabitants, who proved to be quite friendly. They wanted to help make our life
in the field as comfy as possible. We also found a place outside the field
where there was a perfect place for a summer home. When our neighbors told us
about Moving Day, we decided to use that place as a refuge in the spring and
summer.

She asked me about my family, and I told her how we had lived in
the city, where food was as easy to find as trouble. She said that she could
understand where I obtained my need to explore and seek out new things, and
also where I got my sense of "reckless adventure." I smiled a big,
irrepressible smile, taking as a compliment something that few others would.
She said that she hoped that my sense of adventure wouldn’t cause me to leave
her behind, speaking with humor but also with some hidden seriousness. This
seriousness made me feel so wonderful, because it showed me that she actually
cared about me. I replied, still full of the feeling, that nothing short of
death could take me away from her. Her reply was a big hug for me, and a
contented smile.

I went on to tell her that I had only one sister, and that my
father had almost never been home, having had to go out to get food for the
entire family among other things. Our mother was very sickly and my only
sibling and sister Robin cared for her. I refrained from telling her, of
course, that when the NIMH people came, both my sister and I had been netted. I
knew that with no one there to care for our mother she would surely die, so I
managed to push my sister out of net before we were loaded into the trucks. The
men didn't even see her. I have never seen any of my family since then, but I
know that they are all still doing the best they can to survive.

When the men later found out that they were down one mouse, and
seeing as they had been certain that they had caught the necessary eight, they
took a white lab mouse by the name of Mr. Ages, and claimed that they had caught
him out in the streets. At first, Dr. Schultz had been skeptical that he was
really a wild mouse, which was essential for the continuity of his experiments,
but Ages proved to be quite ferocious for a domesticated animal and gave Dr.
Schultz the bleeding of a lifetime. I recall rolling in the bottom of my cage,
laughing as the upset doctor dropped the helpless Mr. Ages to the floor after
having his thumb nearly scratched off. The men with the nets scrambled to
retrieve him, not wanting to lose two mice in one day. The good doctor was
quite convinced by Mr. Ages’ spirit that he was in no way tame.

Instead of all this, I told Sarah that I too had chosen to leave
my home, and instead of staying in the dirty city, I decided to explore the
world. If she had not found this plausible due to my nature, I surely would
have broken down and told her the truth. It was difficult enough to lie to her
as it was. I told her that my mother had gotten much better and did not require
the care of both my sister and myself, so I decided to go my own way. And so,
there I was.

I have made her a red cloak for the upcoming winter. She took it
as a great gift, and though I had not thought it was much, she said that no one
had ever given her a gift before. She hugged me, gave me a kiss (the first) and
said thank-you. Her personality is amazing. I have never met anyone so diverse
and open, someone so full of life. I love her all the more for everything she
is.

The time has come. I have decided to ask her if she will spend
the rest of her life with me. I don’t know how to ask her, though; I know in my
heart what her answer will be, but my consciousness is littered with the guilt
that one day she will find out my secret and regret making that choice.

Perhaps I should tell her. No, I couldn’t do that. It seems
selfish to tell her, to disturb the safety of the rats for my own personal
peace of mind, but it also seems selfish not to, especially because she has been
so honest with me. She has opened her entire life to me, leaving no part of it
a mystery. Dilemma, why do you see fit to curse me?

So, with the dawn of this new day, I intended to set out for the
cinderblock home that Sarah and I now share. I have told Nicodemus about
everything, and I have found that his understanding seems to have no
boundaries. He has an extremely keen perception of the feelings of others, and
I could tell that he understood my dilemma, feeling all the conflicts meshing into
one big mess. I felt bad dumping my problems on him because of this; I am sure
that he feels all of the misery that I do. I told him so, but he shrugged it
off, saying that he was there to listen and felt privileged to know this
information.

Nicodemus serves as an excellent counselor, although his council
provides only temporary comfort. He has given me no concrete solution to my
problem, and although I never expected him to present me with an answer wrapped
in a box with little bows and such, I did leave feeling a little dejected. That
was unavoidable, however. No matter how one is prepared for a negative result,
it always feels bad. Despite this, Nicodemus has served as the outlet that I
originally turned to him for. He is the only person I have confided this entire
story in, for I felt that if I must drag this secret with me much longer it
would burn a hole straight to the center of my consciousness. Although he could
not provide me with the answer to my impossible question, he has helped me so
much by simply letting me bend his ear.

Nicodemus told me that he was a little upset and saddened that
he could not help me, but I simply grinned and told him that some things were
meant to go unsolved for a time, and that I would live with what great good I
have. He returned with one of his fatherly smiles and, patting me on the
shoulder, wished me good luck in my endeavors of the day and of the future.

I knew long before I arrived at the cinderblock house what her
answer would be, although it did feel all the better to hear the answer
actually come from her mouth rather than my mind. An irrepressible nervousness
came over me right before I entered the home, and my guilt-ridden consciousness
saw her sitting, waiting to tell me how much she hated me for keeping the
secret from her and almost having her marry a freak. If I had not had my talk
with Nicodemus, I would surely never have confronted her this day.

The end result, much to my imagination’s dismay, was utter joy
and happiness. We hugged, kissed, wept, and shared the rest of the day with
each other. Despite some things that I needed to take care of at the rosebush,
I stayed with her that evening. I knew that when I returned in the morning,
there would be many questions, and I would be forced to make the whole matter
public to the rats, but I really didn’t care. The most important thing was her,
and that a whole new life once again lay before me, this one much more
appealing than the first.

The nagging feeling of guilt did not return to me for several
days, that was how happy her answer had made me. When it did come back to haunt
me, however, it returned with a vengeance. I entered a state of depression for
a time, and most of the others were wise enough to leave me alone. Sarah was
extremely concerned, however. She seemed to feel that she had done something
wrong, and had made me upset. My saddened smile and assurance was no comfort,
however. She persisted, trying to find out what was making me so unhappy. This
digging served only to make me more upset and paranoid, because although she
was trying to help me, what she was doing was exactly what I did not want.

Finally, I had a realization. This depression was doing nothing,
save bury me in guilt and sadness. Upon this realization, I instantly cast it
off. There was no point in dwelling on problems; it would make nothing better.
I needed to look for a solution, but not so that working to find it made living
with what I did have impossible and drove away all those close to me.
This realization was a great turning point in my life, and it has allowed me to
continue to live with Sarah. Otherwise I would have had to separate myself from
her because of my terrible anxiety that she would find me out. The guilt of the
secret that I have held has been tempered by the comforting thought that you,
Sarah, may find these writings and discover my secret grief, and realize what I
have gone through to be with you. I say this not because I wish you to feel
grief for me, I say this because I want you to know how much I care for you and
that nothing could change my love for you.

So, in conclusion, my dearest wife, if you should indeed find
this and read it, the only thing that I can say is that I am so truly sorry.
The purpose of this diary was initially to organize my thoughts, now I use it
to keep from going insane. This secret has eaten away at me, and I suppose the
only reason it has not driven me to madness is because of the hope in the back
of my mind that you will find this and see the war that has raged across my
heart and my mind. This diary explains my feelings better than I ever could in
any speech or conversation, because it was written as I bled, and it has indeed
become my salvation.

My love, if there is any sorrow or pity for me and my plight,
please now cast it aside. Your caring and your compassion have more than
diluted what I have endured; they have obliterated it. Your love, your
affection, your kindness, all have made this journey worth all of its pits and
potholes, its tortures and tribulations. I retract my previous statement—you
are my salvation, my one true love, the only one worth both living and dying
for, the one who makes it worthwhile for me to accept who I am, freak though I
may be. You are everything, and I hope that all of this has raised your heart
from the discovery of my terrible secret as you have raised me from the depths
of my own self-made misery.

This is the last writing I shall do on this subject. My mind is
still troubled despite this shabby, patchwork confession, but I am also more at
peace with myself than I have been in a long time. I pray that with the passing
of time, this sorrow can be set loose of me, and although I see no positive
resolution in the near future, I can always hope. Nicodemus has taught me to
hope; you have taught me to accept myself. Both of these have aided me more
than you could ever know. I look towards the future with this hope, and accept
what shall come, because there is a great light to guide me. Shine for me; I
will hold you close forever, beyond death. My love, forever.